Saturday, September 24, 2011

It's Just Emotion... Taking Me Over

Dear Sprout,

We are really in the home stretch now, kid. We are 37 weeks today. You are officially the size of a watermelon. We have another ultrasound to check on your growth this week and I'm pretty sure the results will be "Your son is the size of watermelon with a cantaloupe for a head."

And then I will cry.

Speaking of crying! I am having a lot more emotionally charged days and nights. My hormones are raging out of control. I cry at the simplest of things and I often times feel like I'm struggling to keep it together. This worries me, some. I've always dealt with a little depression and I'm worried about what all of these hormones are going to do to me when you're born.

A lot of the time I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. I spend my days all alone and there really isn't anyone for me to talk to. I don't have anything to really keep me busy. I just exist here and have all these fears and worries going through my head. It gets to be a lot overwhelming at times.

Don't get me wrong. Your dad is great. Superb! Lovely! We just are on different emotional levels right now. Unless, he's great at hiding it, he's not scared at all. He can't wait. He thinks this is the coolest thing that's ever happened ever. He comes home from work and plays games and just enjoys himself. I don't want to worry him with all of my bonkers thoughts and then I do anyway when I have an emotional breakdown because the delivery place down the road won't take my coupon and I CAN'T HAVE RED VELVET CAKE.

I sit here, worried and crazy. What's going to happen to us once you're here? In two weeks, we will no longer be a couple, just the two of us. Those days will be over. From then on, we are a trio and you are a part of this family, for keeps. No more leisurely trips out of the house to do some silly thing we want to do. No more quick trips to the store or anywhere. No more going out to bars or shows without a babysitter. No more "us" as we know us now. No backsies!

Even typing this out sounds crazy because trust me when I tell you this: YOU are so incredibly important. I can't wait to have you in my life. In our lives. In all of this emotional turmoil, there has never been a moment when I wished this wasn't happening. You are the product of a lot of love. You were made out of love and you will be born into so much love, you probably won't be able to stand it.

So these last few weeks, we're just going to pretend that they never happened because I know once you are in my arms, none of this crying and emotional freak-out stuff is going to matter.

Sleeping has become a distant memory. It's physically painful to lay in bed. Rolling this belly over is a feat of strength at 3:00AM with a full bladder. Your poor dad barely sleeps better than I do. I tend to toss and turn a lot. He tends to get elbowed in the face. A lot. Getting out of bed the four, five, six, however many times I need to go to the bathroom is such an ordeal that I know he doesn't sleep through it. I bump into things and make noise. I make mooing noises when trying to get comfortable. Sometimes I just have to sit up straight because my back hurts so bad. I snore louder and more powerfully than ever before.

He doesn't complain.

And I kid you not, I love him more for the fact that he doesn't complain when I KNOW he is nearly as miserable as I am at night.

He just kisses me goodbye in the morning and reminds me that I'm sleeping on my back again.

When did I become the luckiest girl in all of the world?

I promise you, I will be the best mom I can be for you. I won't always be perfect, I won't always keep a level head. There will be times when I embarrass you or make you angry. There will be times when I just won't be enough.

But I will always be there. I will always be available. I will always listen. And most importantly of all, I will always love you to the depths of my soul.

With all of my love,
Your mama

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