Saturday, April 23, 2011

Forever and Ever

Dear Sprout,

Another blissful week. Another week with nothing much to report symptom-wise. We're feeling pretty good, you and me. Still a little tired, still sore, and a few other small things but for something the size of a lemon, you're going pretty easy on me. I do appreciate that.

Mother's Day is coming up and it really got me thinking about my own and how someday you're going to look back on your life and judge me as your mother. Luckily, you'll still like me without prejudice for several years yet. When I think about giving a gift on Mother's Day, I always think that to be fair, I should also send gifts on Father's Day, as well.

We're lucky, kiddo, you and me. We have a man in our life who we can love and trust and depend on. He's going to be one amazing father, even if he doesn't know it yet. I promise you right now that no matter what life throws at the three of us, you will always have him and his incredible family in your life.

Where I'm going this week is a hard topic for me. Hard because I don't always know how to adequately express my feelings on the subject and hard because I never want anyone to misinterpret what I say publicly and think I am trying to hurt anyone's feelings.

I grew up much differently than you will. My mother, your Nini, didn't have the same supportive, dependable partner in raising me that I will have with you. She was forced to make decisions that impacted the both of us the entirety of our lives-- decisions that couldn't have been easy for someone her age to make.

I love her and our entire family and while we were never rich, by way of family, we never went without. I had loving aunts to play with and to learn from and to care for me. I had a grandmother that I believed the world revolved around and who introduced me to a variety of experiences in life. I had a mom who worked hard and loved hard and always did the best she could. My childhood wasn't always the best or the easiest, but we made it... together.

I do feel I missed out somewhat in not getting to know my own father and his family. I understand (I really, really do) why I wasn't given that opportunity. My mother made that choice under strenuous circumstances and at age 18 and I can't say one way or the other that I wouldn't have chosen that route given the same situation. Probably so.

Luckily, for you and I, I'm not in that situation. The man in our lives is a loving, gentle, responsible man. He has goals and plans and he works hard and he plays hard. And most importantly, he cares about you, about me. He wants you. He wants to be a part of your life. You will be a priority. He would not sit idly by while I take you from him and his family. I know this is true to the depths of my heart. He was given the choice when I found out about you. He chose to be a part of this family. And already your life is guaranteed to be different than mine.

Life makes us no promises, Sprout. Though we are madly in love with each other and happy about starting our family... life changes things without our permission and against our deepest desires. I want forever with your father, but even if life has different plans for us in the long run, I promise you will always have forever with him.

Sorry for the so very serious post this week, kid. Start kicking me and keeping me up all night and I'll have other stuff to write about.

Love love love,
Your mama

(For my own mama, please don't be offended by this. The depth of my love and affection and gratitude to you knows no bounds, even if I was a righteous jerkface for most of my teenage years and sometimes even after. You are so incredible and I love you more than you can ever, ever imagine. You are one tough cookie and you taught me so much about how to face life.)

No comments:

Post a Comment